Hearing the news of death of a friend's family member always leaves me speechless.
Me: Hey, where you been, haven't heard from you in a week.
Friend says: so and so member of my family died. Did you finish that thing you were doing?
What do I say to the friend after that?
Do I make him/her feel better by sitting with them and talking about it?
Or do I offer my condolences and make them feel better by cheering them up with jokes? Is dark-humor (jokes about death and stuff) appropriate at such a time?
Let's look at some of the options that you have, that people generally use at such a time, to make their friends feel better-
"I'm sorry for your loss"- Why would I be sorry? I didn't kill them! I'm not guilty of anything, nor do I have a guilty conscience relating to the matter, so why would I apologize? (people use the word sorry quite liberally these days, I don't get why that is! I almost never use it!). I don't even know if the friend is sorry for his or her own loss... maybe they weren't that close to the relative, and haven't even seen or talked to them in years. Maybe they are sociopaths who don't even feel sad when a relative dies and just mentioned the death to me in passing. You never know! How well could you know a friend, really?
"That's sad"- For you, not me, so do I make a sad face when I say this or do I smile reassuringly (and awkwardly) hoping that it cheers them up too.
If they happen to mention some other topic of discussion along with the death, do I just skip over the news of death and talk, concentrating on the other topic?
So many questions going over in my mind. Can't decide what to do or say. So I just say, "Oh damn! too bad! How do you feel?". This seems to take the pressure off of me, and puts it on them. Now they gotta tell me if they feel sad or not. That way I can know if they are sociopaths or not. If they are actually sad, I get to know that jokes would probably not be a good idea. And that I need to cheer them up. And if they are not affected by the death, then I can probably make some jokes about death in general (sometimes I have a dark sense of humor, which I enjoy... other times I just have a normal sense of humor, that I use to make people laugh), or completely skip the topic and chat about something else.
But till I ask the question "How do you feel?" there's always an awkward pause and silence in the air, for fear that something inappropriate will slip out of my mouth without my knowledge. And that silence is what makes the whole situation weird.
P.S.- A really amazing girl (who is like my personal kryptonite... in a good way of course. Its not like over-exposure to her will eventually kill me, its just that I lose some of my "superpowers" in front of her.) told me recently, after reading the posts on this blog, that I should filter my thoughts more. Oh! and that I write well. And that my English is better than most guys ;) you won't believe the smile I had on my face at that time :P But I digress...
Actually I do, I think at least 3 times before I speak; because of which some people know me as the brooding type. I don't like to lie, so when people ask me something I have to decide whether to tell them the truth, or just keep my mouth shut and try to successfully change the topic. But when the situation demands immediate responses, I sometimes forget to filter out my thoughts and say what ever comes to my mind first. Some people, because of this, know me as a person who speaks his mind, and doesn't lie.
I'm a bundle of contradictions, and its all weird!
Ciao!!!
Till next time.
(By which I mean till the time I get a new weird thought like this one. Or have one of those amazing bike accidents I enjoy so much. Whichever comes first.)
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